De ce sunt periculosi serpii jartiera.

Din motive inca necunoscute acest articol, la care am muncit ceva timp, nu s-a publicat si nici salvat ieri, incat azi o sa incerc sa-l refac (grrrrr...)

Cinci zile pe saptamana primesc emailuri de la Jolly Good Jokes, emailuri pe care in tot atatea zile Gmailul mi le baga in spam (mai greseste si el, dar in general sunt destul de multumita de serviciile lui antispam, ma scuteste sa sterg cu manuta proprie o multime de mesaje nedorite, inclusiv unele care cica ar fi scrise de mine) iar eu apas pe not spam.

Nu toate mesajele de la JGJ mi se par reusite dar din cand in cand unele imi plac atat de mult incat simt nevoia sa le public aici.
Povestea care urmeaza, cam lunguta dar pe care o s-o traduc oarecum liber, mi-a placut.

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater ,Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

Serpii cunoscuti ca serpii jartiera (Thamnophissirtalis) pot fi periculosi. Da, serpii de iarba, nu cei cu clopotei. Iata de ce. Un cuplu din Sweetwater, Texas, avea o multime de ghivece cu plante. In timpul unei raciri accentuate a vremii sotia a adus multe din ele in casa ca sa le protejeze de inghet. In unul din ghivece se ascundea in planta un sarpe verde de gradina. Cand a dat de caldura a iesit si sotia l-a vazut ca intra sub sofa. A urlat cat au tinut-o plamanii.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

Sotul (care tocmai facea dus) a alergat gol in living room sa vada despre ce e vorba. Ea i-a spus ca e un sarpe sub sofa. El s-a asezat in patru labe pe podea ca sa se uite sub sofa.Cam in acelasi timp cainele familiei a venit si l-a atins in spate (dos) cu nasul lui rece. El a crezut ca l-a muscat sarpele, asa ca a tipat si a cazut pe podea.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

Sotia a crezut ca are un atac de cord asa ca l-a acoperit, i-a zis sa stea linistit si a chemat ambulanta. Paramedicii au sosit in mare graba, n-au stat sa-i asculte protestele si l-au suit pe targa. In timp ce-l carau sarpele a iesit de sub sofa si asistentul l-a vazut si a scapat targa jos. Atunci si-a rupt omul piciorul si de aceea se afla inca in spital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

Sotia inca avea de rezolvat problema sarpelui din casa, asa ca l-a chemat pe un vecin care s-a oferit sa prinda sarpele. Inarmat cu un ziar facut sul a inceput sa-l vanture pe sub canapea. In curand a decis ca sarpele a plecat si i-a spus femeii, care s-a asezat usurata pe sofa. Dar in timp ce se relaxa a simtit cu mana cum se misca sarpele printre perne. A tipat si a lesinat, sarpele s-a ascuns din nou sub sofa. Vecinul, vazand-o lesinata a incercat s-o resusciteze folosind respiratia gura la gura.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocerystore, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out andcutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

Sotia vecinului, care tocmai se intorcea cu sacosa plina de cutii de conserve de la supermarket, l-a vazut pe sotul ei cu gura pe gura femeii si i-a dat cu sacosa in cap trantindu-l la podea cu capul spart atat de rau, ca i-au trebuit niste copci.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lyingon the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

Zgomotul a trezit-o pe femeie din lesinul ei de moarte si l-a vazut pe vecin zacand pe podea cu sotia aplecata asupra lui, asa ca a crezut ca l-a muscat sarpele. S-a dus in bucatarie de unde a luat o sticluta de whisky si a inceput sa i-o toarme omului pe gatlej.

By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...

Intre timp a sosit politia. Trageti-va putin rasuflarea...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

L-au vazut pe om fara cunostinta, au simtit mirosul de whisky si au crezut ca a avut loc o bataie intre betivi. Erau pe cale sa-i aresteze pe toti, cand femeia a incercat sa le explice ca totul s-a petrecut din cauza unui serpisor de gradina!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Politia a chemat o ambulanta care l-a luat pe vecin si pe nevasta lui, care plangea in hohote.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car..

Acum serpisorul iar a iesit tarash de sub sofa si unul dintre politisti a scos pistolul si a tras. A gresit insa tinta, nimerind piciorul mesei. Masa s-a pravalit rasturnand veioza de pe ea, becul s-a spart si au luat foc perdelele. Celalalt politist a incercat sa stinga focul dar a cazut pe fereastra in curte peste caine care, speriat, a tasnit in strada unde o masina care trecea a virat ca sa-l evite si a pocnit masina de politie parcata in fata casei.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

Intre timp vecinii au vazut perdelele in flacari si au chemat pompierii. Pompierii au inceput sa ridice scara de pe la jumatatea strazii. In timp ce se ridica scara a rupt firele de deasupra, incat jumatate din cartier a ramas fara curent si cu telefonul deconectat (dar au reusit sa stinga focul). A trecut timpul! Ambii oameni au iesit din spital, casa s-a reparat, cainele a venit acasa, politia si-a cumparat o masina noua si totul a reintrat in normal.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

Ceva mai tarziu se uitau la TV si meteorologul a anuntat o racire brusca a vremii in noaptea aceea. Sotia si-a intrebat sotul daca nu ar fi cazul sa aduca plantele in casa.

And that's when he shot her.

Si atunci el a impuscat-o.

Urmatoarea gluma e tot din aceeasi sursa.

You are on the bus when you suddenly realise ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: You've been listening to your iPod.

Te afli in autobuz si deodata simti nevoia sa tragi un partz.

Muzica deja e tare asa ca iti sincronizezi partzurile cu ritmul ei. Dupa cateva cantece incepi sa te simti mai bine in timp ce te apropii de statia la care trebuie sa cobori.

In timp ce cobori iti dai seama ca lumea se uita cam fix la tine. Si atunci iti amintesti. muzica venea de la castile din urechi.

Poate ca poanta e cam puerila, dar am simtit nevoia s-o public tinand cont cat de multi tineri care calatoresc cu autobuzul asculta muzica la castile din urechi...